Caught in the middle: childhood and adulthood

When are kids considered mature?  When are they ready to fully make their own decisions?  Does adulthood really begin at age 18 like much of Western society considers it to?!

This may all be relative.  It may depend on the family and on the child.  It is true that there are some 16 year olds that are more emotionally "mature" than some 18 year olds.

Regardless, this stage of development is the uncomfortable middle ground between childhood and adulthood that therapist Rebecca Dowden calls "individuation". 

As teens approach adulthood, (at whatever age that may be?!) they can sometimes feel caught between the world of making their own decisions and that of mom and/or dad "running the show".

One article, by Shona Neff, describes an example of a turning point situation when her son approached her about going on a road trip.  He proudly announced that he would be taking a trip, without thinking he didn't even have the finances to take care of the gas nor the plans laid out for a successful trip. Shona describes the situation as follows:

"My son's desire to be a carefree child while striking out on his own indicated that he didn't understand his stage of life. Although he felt like an adult, he wasn't one because the perks of adulthood carry responsibilities that he hadn't yet assumed."

The article goes on to say, "The teen years can be ambiguous for both parents and child, Dowden says. ""If the child is restricted too much or given too much freedom, his individuation can be negatively affected."" For children to develop a healthy view of adulthood, they can't be given too many adult perks without also shouldering adult responsibilities. If they are, their desire to step fully into adulthood can be stunted."

As parents. Our responsibility is to help our children in this maturing process.  Teaching them how to make informed and age appropriate decisions.  Allowing failure to occur in the process.

Ideally, if parents are effectively raising a maturing young person to make responsible decisions, as they age, responsibility should increase as authority decreases.


What parents can do to help in this process: 

• Allow kids to make age appropriate decisions.
• Help them decipher between childhood whims and adult responsibilities.
• Allow daily situations such as curfew, clothing and automobiles to serve as teachable moments and measures of trust.
• Allow kids to fail.  They need to see the benefits AND consequences of their decisions.
• Remember that adult perks shouldn't come without adult responsibility.

Be sure to check back here this week.  In keeping in tune with the holiday season, we will be having a giveaway that our Planned Potential for Parents readers are eligible for. 

An attitude of gratitude - year round

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So, Thanksgiving has passed and the Facebook "thankful lists" may have waned a bit.  The holiday season and Black Friday shopping has gone into full force. 

How is the "thankful meter" in your home today? Do your kids have an attitude of thankfulness year round?  Are you modeling this attitude for them?

You can't force a person be thankful.  You can't nag your kids into an attitude of gratitude.  Besides, who likes a nag, right?!  But...there are various positive ways to model and help instill an attitude of thankfulness in kids.

Teachable moments are everywhere.  Opportunities throughout each day that present themselves as ways to create an environment of gratitude.

Learning how others around the world live is one way to remind ourselves and our children how much most of us really do have to be thankful for.

Did you know?:

A 5 minute shower uses approximately 10 gallons of water.  In developing countries, the average person uses 5 gallons or less per day. 

Not only is that true, but it is an interesting fact that reminds those of us with long hot showers what we have.

If you feel that thankfulness is a distant relative in your home, here are a few ways to help foster an attitude of gratitude:

1. Encourage kids to keep a daily thankful journal.
2. As a family, experience a day without some luxuries that you are accustomed to. example #1 Store 5 gallons of water in jugs/bottles and use only that during a day to experience how other people around the world live.  example #2 Eat only rice and beans one day - all 3 meals.
3. Cut down on the complaining. Break the habit of complaining and go 24 hours without complaining even one time.
4. Don't overindulge. There are many ways to truly learn the value of a dollar.  Have kids earn some of the luxuries they think they "need" by doing chores, selling items they no longer use, getting a job, etc. 
5. Encourage a spirit of giving. Find ways to serve and give to others as a family. Serve at a soup kitchen.  Cut down on gift spending and give to a favorite charity.
6. Help [them] understand that gifts are thoughtful gestures, not just a way for him to score materialistic gain," says Claire Lerner - a child development specialist.

So, two days after Thanksgiving, what are you thankful for TODAY?

Substance abuse, teens and a free event!

Do you know if your child has experimented with drugs or alcohol?  Is he/she showing signs of abuse or addiction?  Would you know what those signs look like?

We, at A Positive Approach to Teen Health help are committed to educating and empowering teens to make healthy choices and we also want to help you - parents and guardians. In today's culture, there are so many issues to be aware of and informed about as a parent of a teenager.  Substance abuse is one of those issues.

The Office of Adolescent Health reports:

• In the past month, 40 percent of high school seniors reported drinking some alcohol, almost 15 percent of adolescents abused marijuana, and 13 percent of adolescents reported smoking cigarettes. 

• By the twelfth grade, about half of adolescents have abused an illicit drug at least once. The most commonly used drug is marijuana but adolescents can find many abused substances, such as prescription medications, glues, and aerosols, in the home.

• Within the past month, four out of 10 high school seniors report drinking some alcohol and more than one in three have engaged in “binge drinking".

Join us as community members and parents unite in BREAKING THE SILENCE about substance abuse and addiction issues. Hear from parents and children who have overcome and are ready to share their struggles, fears, and hopes for the future.

Learn the signs of substance abuse and ways to communicate with your teen about the dangers of drug and alcohol use. We hope you will take join us in this important (free) event that could save a future and/or a life. 

Get more information and register here.

HPV, the vaccine and your teens/tweens

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Did you know that HPV (Human Papillomavirus) is the most common sexually transmitted infection (STI) and is also the leading cause for cervical cancer.  99.9% of cervical cancers are due to complications from HPV. 

"There are more than 40 types of HPV than can infect the genital areas of males and females.  These HPV types can also infect the mouth and throat [due to oral sex]." (source, CDC.)

Unfortunately, like many other STIs/STDs, many people who are infected with HPV may not even know they have it.  This is a huge problem! Many adolescents are having unprotected sex and DO NOT KNOW that their parter has HPV because the partner MAY NOT EVEN KNOW that they have it.


Sometimes the infection goes away on it's own, but other times it can lead to various health problems such as genital warts and cancers.  Screening tests are only recommended for women over age 30 (not for adolescents, men or women under age 30).  In addition, there are no approved tests that check for HPV in the mouth or throat.  

In recent years, vaccines have been developed with intention to "help prevent" HPV.  Two vaccines (Cervarix and Gardasil) are recommended for 11-12 year old boys and girls and can be given to girls beginning at the age of 9.  Gardasil has been made available and recommended for boys as young as 11 and 12 years old.  

In various new reports, the lead researcher in the development of the HPV vaccines is ironically "pressing the red alert button on the devastating consequences and irrelevancy of these vaccines," (source FEELguide).

This same report cites an excerpt from a story by Sara Cain:

"So far, 15,037 girls have reported adverse side effects from Gardasil™ alone to the Vaccine Adverse Event Reporting System (VAERS), and this number only reflects parents who underwent the hurdles required for reporting adverse reactions.  At the time of writing, 44 girls are officially known to have died from these vaccines."

The developer of the vaccine, Dr. Harper, stated that she finally spoke out so that she could sleep at night. 

What does this lead us, as parents, to do?

* Do our own research to protect our kids and don't always just take the 
   "expert's" word for it. 
* Understand the risks and prevalence of STIs and STDs.
* Help educate and encourage our kids regarding healthy life choices.

So, could you go without it for 24 hours? Part 2

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Last week, we posted this challenge for families to go wireless (or completely unplugged - if you will) and give up media for 24 hours.  (Don't worry if you missed that post or if you weren't able to do it.  There's always tomorrow).

The idea behind the challenge is obviously to encourage families to reconnect with each other and take a break from the constant media overload that may be affecting relationships.  Many studies point to  the fact that consistent media intake and/or addiction is affecting our habits, schedules and relationships. 

A recent article by WIRED magazine stated that mobile users check their smartphones an average of 150 times a day.  When you do the math, that equals out to be once every six-and-half minutes.  Wow! That's a lot of time and a lot of checking.  

In addition, the Huffington Post reports the findings of a few studies pointing to the idea that the addiction to social media may be as strong, or stronger, than that of substances like nicotine.  The study from University of Chicago's Booth School of Business published the finding from a report of 205 adults in Germany.  Over the course of a week, the highest rate of  their "self-control failures" was tied to social media sites, per The Guardian. 

Finally, in another study about smartphone addiction, it is revealed that:

• 30% of participants say they check their phones while at a meal with another person
• 40% check their smartphone while on the toilet
• 9% check it during a religious service
• 54% check it before they go to bed, while in bed, in the middle of the night or as soon as they wake up 

Does the ding of a new email and the lure of a Tweet have that much of a control over us?!  We may only know that if we try to do without it?! 

Whether or not you took the challenge from last week, it may be time to break some bad {media} habits and offer your undivided attention to those you love the most. Check out our challenge from last week here.

So, could you go without it for 24 hours? Part 1

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Media.  It has changed and morphed over the decades and most likely, so have we because of it.  It provides entertainment.  It allows for convenience.  It can provide employment and open up endless opportunities.   

Might we venture to say that it may also add "clutter" or "noise" to our lives.  Are we disconnected, while we are connected?

How many times have you seen a couple on a date and one of them was texting the entire time?  How often do parents communicate with their kids while they are glued to the video game on the screen?  How many moms escape the busyness of life through excessive social media? 

I think we would be astounded by the answers?  Is our media saturated culture hurting our relationships? 


Would you consider yourself any of the following:

Information Glutton

Entertainment Junkie

Gung-ho Gamer

Facebook Fanatic

T.V.  Addict

Texting Queen/King



Parents, would your family look differently if everyone went unplugged from all forms of media for 24 hours?  Would there be more conversation?  More quality time?  More laughter? More connection? More learning? More sleep? 

It's probably safe to say that most families would...so why not give it a try?!  We would like to offer you this challenge (our families included) of a 24 hour media free period.  Decide on a convenient time when everyone can go unplugged for 24 hours and see what unfolds.  

If you decide to take on this challenge, we would love to hear your responses and the creative ways you spent your time.

Is it about the win or the way we play the game?!

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Most parents pride themselves in their children - in their accomplishments, their life milestones, their successes.  We put our kids on the proverbial shelf for the world to see, when we are proud of them.  Social media sites are inundated daily with pictures and posts about "Johnny's" touchdown or "Sally's" straight A's.  

Quite obviously, there is NOTHING wrong with being proud of our children and affirming them.  If we aren't careful, however, it's possible for our motives to become unhealthy and geared towards performance-based parenting.  

We can easily cause our kids to expend their time and energy in trying to please us and fulfilling our dreams and needs instead and completely lose who they are and who they were meant to be.  

You may have noticed the increase over the last several years in the news reports and Youtube videos of enraged parents at sports events and activities.  Some have been escorted out of arenas and courts.  Others have been involved in physical altercations with other parents or coaches.  What message is this sending to the plethora of young eyes watching?!

Are we focusing on success alone or are we encouraging our kids to develop character? Are we teaching them to operate in integrity, honesty, sportsmanship and compassion in their studies and extra curricular activities? Are we encouraging them to develop their personal talents, strengths and ambitions?

Ted Cunningham, author of Trophy Child, breaks down the many faces of "trophy parenting" in some of the following ways:

Vanity Parenting - using a child's accomplishments and attributes to impress family and friends

Perfection Parenting - raising the bar too high

Competitive Parenting - compares the strengths and weaknesses of her child to that of other children

ROI Parenting - looks for a "return on investment' from sports and activities

Some questions we parents may want to ask ourselves:

Do we expect our children to fulfill our personal ambitions?  

Are we really concerned at how our kids play the "game" or only if they win or become the best?

Are we OK with our kids pursuing ambitions that are very different from what we had in mind for them?

National Bullying Prevention Awareness Month

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October is National Bullying Prevention Awareness Month.  For most parents, the thought of their child being bullied is a nightmare.  Unfortunately, this nightmare has become a reality to many families.  Recent statistics show that 1 out of 4 kids is bullied.  8% of students miss 1 day of class per month for fear of bullies.  282,000 students are physically attacked in secondary schools each month. (see full report here).

There is so much to know about bullying.  As parents, we must ask ourselves questions like:  Is my child a victim of bullying?  Is my child a bully?  How can I differentiate between teasing and harmful bullying?  Am I modeling behaviors that are considered bullying to or in front of my child?

It is also very important that parents keep communication open with their kids in order know what is going on in their lives and if they are being affected by bullying in any way and if.  Bullying can take many forms such as: physical, verbal, emotional, sexual, cyberbullying and hazing.  Below are some warning signs to look out for. 

Signs a Child is Being Bullied:

(from stopbullying.gov)

• Unexplainable injuries

• Lost or destroyed clothing, books, electronics, or jewelry

• Frequent headaches or stomach aches, feeling sick or faking illness

• Changes in eating habits, like suddenly skipping meals or binge eating. Kids may come home from school hungry because they did not eat lunch.
• Difficulty sleeping or frequent nightmares
• Declining grades, loss of interest in schoolwork, or not wanting to go to school
• Sudden loss of friends or avoidance of social situations
• Feelings of helplessness or decreased self esteem
• Self-destructive behaviors such as running away from home, harming themselves, or talking about suicide

Signs a Child is Bullying Others

(from stopbullying.gov)

• Get into physical or verbal fights
• Have friends who bully others
• Are increasingly aggressive
• Get sent to the principal’s office or to detention frequently
• Have unexplained extra money or new belongings
• Blame others for their problems
• Don’t accept responsibility for their actions
• Are competitive and worry about their reputation or popularity

Also, check out one of our past posts on sibling bullying here.

Stay informed. Keep lines of communication open with your kids.  Let's work together to stop this harmful epidemic. 

For more information on bullying, check out the following sites:

stopbullying.gov
stompoutbullying.org
loveourchildrenusa.org

Porn - harmless or destructive?

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Is pornography just harmless curiosity or a destructive habit?

In our last post, we discussed the importance of parents' involvement in what and who is influencing their kids.  This week, we want to focus on pornography, specifically.

Are you up to date on the extent and severity of the effects of porn on young people and adults in our modern society?  Maybe you or your family have even dealt with or have been affected by this epidemic, personally. 

Let us reveal some pretty surprising statistics for you.  A site called Family Safe Media has gathered the following data:

• every second, $3,075.64 is being spent on pornography
• the average age of first Internet exposure to pornography is 11
• 90% of 8-16 year olds having viewed porn online (most while doing homework)
• 80% of 15-17 year olds having multiple hard-core exposures
• every second, 28,258 Internet users are viewing pornography
• 87% of boys and 57% of girls see group sex online before the age of 18 (source link)

In this recent article from the U.K.s' Mail Online, ironically, a former editor of Loaded Magazine (a "gentlemen's" magazine) discusses his new found disgust and dismay on the severity of this issue. He was asked to take part in a discussion with 20 boys and girls ages 13-14 who were asked to label all the sexual terms that they knew from A-Z, no matter how explicit.  The adults in the room were shocked to find out that they didn't even know what many of the terms meant and that most of these young people had learned them from online exposure. 

The article also describes a major problem with young people and porn.  "The brain's reward centre is fully developed by the time we're teenagers, but the part of the brain that regulates our urges - the pre-frontal cortex - isn't fully developed until our mid-20s. The brains of teenagers are not wired to say 'stop', they are wired to want more. The implications of this study are profoundly troubling."

The article goes on to say, "If porn does have the insidious power to be addictive, then letting our children consume it freely via the internet is like leaving heroin lying around the house, or handing out vodka at the school gates.  And this toxic effect is filtering down directly into young girls' lives."

This article and many other sources go beyond the statistics and describe the destructive effects that porn can have on relationships, jobs, finances, and lifestyle.

Remember parents - avoiding a subject won't prevent it from happening and definitely doesn't mean it isn't already effecting your child.

Young people are very technologically savvy these days.  Many toddlers can even teach their grandparents how to navigate through the internet and mobile devices.  While many parents and guardians may not have the technological know how as their kids/teens do, there are definitely guidelines that can be put in place to help prevent or lessen the possibility of exposure.

Below are some boundaries that may be helpful:

* Avoid having televisions and computers in kid's bedrooms.
* Require kids to turn in mobile devices before bedtime (to prevent night 
   time web surfing).
* Implement some type of parental controls or guardian software on 
   Internet and television use.
* Be mindful of the types of magazines and advertisements (that may 
   appear harmless) that are in your house and that come in the mail.

Who's looking out for your teen, really?

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So, maybe you are a parent who is all over the supervision thing with your teen. You know their friends and their friend's parents.  You keep tabs on where your child spends their time and with whom.

However, have you thought about the other people that your teen may be "spending time with" and being heavily influenced by.  The musical artists, actors, models, authors, celebrities, and magazine editors.  This may sound silly, since most of those people are considered  "untouchable" to the normal crowd.  Yet, many young people are spending ample time listening to their advice, ways of thinking, views on sex/relationships, lifestyle, their worldview and value of life (or lack thereof).

In this blog post, Brian Graves specifically talks about the negative effects of music as it reads, "Most children between ages 2 and 18 spend upwards of seven hours a day ingesting some sort of media, " says Susan Buttross, MD, FAAP, chief of child development and behavioral pediatrics at the University of Mississippi and spokeswoman for the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP).  Seven hours is more time than some young people spend do anything else such as homework, family time and even school.  That's a lot of media

In another blog post written by a mother who took interest in her teenage son's school literature book, she was quite surprised to find the content of a school literature choice utterly disturbing.  She described the book, which was approved by the school board, as pornographic.  You can check out the full post here. (warning:explicit)

On another note, in a recent survey by the Federal Trade Commission, it was found that 47% of 13-16 year olds were able to purchase music with Parental Advisory labels, 24% purchased tickets to R-rated movies and 30% bought R-rated DVDs.

Do we really know what our young people are listening to, watching on T.V. and searching online?  Do we know who is influencing them on a daily basis?   Media has a very loud voice in the lives of today's young people. As parents, it's crucial that we get involved in the media choices of our children.  It's our job to monitor and approve these choices.  No one else is looking out for our kids.  We cannot leave it in the hands of school boards, teachers, Parental Advisory labels, iTunes and Youtube.

Do you have ongoing conversations with your kids/teens about their media choices?  Do you have a system worked out with them by which you monitor and/or approve these choices?  

Trending: twerking!?

If you follow any type of media, it's very likely that you've heard about the controversial performance by Miley Cyrus and Robin Thicke at the recent VMAs (Video Music Awards). Although it's definitely not the first musical performance that has sparked controversy over the years, the word or dance that made this one go viral was "twerking".

So why the controversy?! Though this term may be new to many, it is one that has been around for awhile and actually has it's own definition in the online Urban Dictionary.The Urban Dictionary actually termed it their word of the day back in May.  Due to the nature of the definition you can choose to check it out for yourself, but one of the meanings is "a slutty dance derived from strip clubs".  Even the Oxford Dictionary included "twerk" in their new list of words this August.
After the performance, responses via social media and news broadcasts exploded.

Obviously the twerking that happened in the VMA performance sparked some outrage and was labeled things like crude, vulgar or disgusting by many.  Of course, there were some very tolerant comments stating that she is a performer and she was just doing what performers do - entertain.

You may now ask, How does this affect me as a parent!?  Quite possibly, your child or teen viewed the performance on the show that night.  If not, they most likely heard the buzz at school or social media. A few days after the performance, over a million results were tracked by Google for the term "twerking video", many of which were made and posted by kids.  Another way your teens may be affected is that because twerking has now become a popular trend, it may be an issue at school dances and parties.

Regardless of how your kids or teens may have been affected by this or any other trend that may be of concern to parents, it provides an opportunity for teachable moments.  One of the greatest ways to do this is to ask questions. Young people like to express their views and opinions and feel valued when people show genuine interest in their "world".  It's very possible parents may not agree with their child's view and may be quite surprised by their response, but open communication is key to a healthy and thriving relationship. 

What if?!....

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What if we told our teenagers these things?!  What if they listened?!

• You are not your dress size.
• You are not your test score.
• You are not the number of points you scored at Friday's game.
• You are not the brand of clothes you wear.
• You are not your parents and their mistakes.
• You are not the team you made or the one you didn't.
• You are not your Facebook status.
• You are not your bad decisions in the past.
• You are not your addiction.
• You are not that rumor.
• You are not a stereotype.

• You are a unique individual who can offer the world what only you can offer.
• You have your entire life ahead of you. 
• You have unique talents.
• You were created for purpose.
• You are writing the chapters in your book called life.
• You are strong enough to say no! Try it.
• You have potential.
• You can get through.
• You are loved.
• You are amazing!

So what if we all told our teens these things and what if they really listened?! What would their world look like?  What would our world look like?

The Most Important Back to School Tools

Once again, summer flew by and it's time for school again for most.  Back to school time can be met with mixed emotions for young people. It may be a positive change for some as a chance to see many of their friends again, be involved in some of their favorite activities, and get into the routine.

Yet, there are a lot of young people who dread the thought of walking through those doors again in the fall for various reasons.  For many kids and teens, they may even get physically sick from the anxiety it brings.

Some of the things that may be viewed negatively may be as simple as getting out of bed earlier and having homework to more serious issues like bullying, peer pressure, social anxiety (or not feeling  accepted), not having enough money to keep up with the latest trends or having major difficulty keeping up academically.  Some young people my express their anxiety and fears regarding these issues, but some may keep it to themselves.

So while its important to fill all the supply lists and get them the pencils and notebooks they need, the most important back to school tools parents can give their teens is a little extra time and effort helping them gain the tools that could make their school year much more successful.

Following are some suggestions for helping the year be a little less intimidating and a possibly a bit more successful:

* Assurance- assuring your child that their family loves them no matter what
* Encouragement - building self esteem with affirming words and actions
* Training - helping your child re-adjust to a routine before the first day of school
* Balance-helping the child maintain a balance between work and  "play"
* Character building - helping the child to develop new habits and positive responses to 
   challenges with people and situations

Enjoy the last few days of summer as you all gear up for another school year!

Don't forget to take "your time", parents!

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Parenting, when done well, requires a lot - emotionally and physically.  Especially these days, when schedules are packed, homework can take hours and teens are involved in various extracurricular activities.  It can get very overwhelming!

Even if you are a parent who feels like you haven't necessarily "snapped" or  you are able to keep it all under control,  the stress and demands on a parent can many times lead to burn out, frustration, yelling matches and criticism among other things.  None of which contribute to a healthy environment.

It's very important for hands on parents and caretakers to make sure that they get some time for themselves doing things that refresh and encourage them and help them to be a better person overall.  Some examples may include: taking time to enjoy a hobby, getting a night out with friends, getting regular exercise, having a date with your spouse or being involved in their place of faith.

Whatever that may look like to you, take some time today, mom or dad.  You deserve it!

Parents/guardians, what are some of the things that help you to refresh in the busy world of parenting?

Who's Responsible?

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Does it seem like kids/teens are getting more privileges and less responsibility these days?!  It's not uncommon for young people to have new cars, smart phones (even for tweens and younger), expensive electronics, $400 prom dresses, and unlimited gas money etc., yet not be expected to make their bed, get a job or take out the trash.   

There are many well meaning parents who want to give their kids a good life and possibly a better life than they had growing up, but could they actually be doing more harm than good sometimes?!

There is no perfect formula for how much responsibility and privilege a young person needs to become balanced and responsible.  Each family is different in how each person is expected to contribute to the home and surrounding community.  Responsibility, however, is an essential part of becoming a mature adult.  

Below are a few ideas that may be helpful in building responsibility in teens and even in younger children.

:: Assign age appropriate chores within the home (with or without 
   allowence).

:: [For teens] summer work outside the home - mow lawns, babysit, 
   clean pools, paper route, life guard at a local pool, etc. 

:: Open a bank account and teach them how to manage their money.

:: Have them open a library account and allow them to be responsible 
   for returning books, DVDs and CDs on time and/or pay the fines 
   themselves.

:: Teach them a new life skill - laundry, changing a tire, cooking a 
   meal, balancing a budget/checkbook, changing the oil, etc. 


We have to be careful, as parents, in our attempts to give our kids a good life, that we don't raise entitled, irresponsible or possibly lazy adults.  Let's not deny them opportunities to become responsible, mature and confident contributors to society.   


Parents/guardians, what do think? You are in the trenches everyday with the very people we are talking about.  We would love to hear your input.  

What are some ways that the tweens and teens in your family are learning responsibility?  How do they contribute to the home and community? 

Do Some Investing This Summer

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Many parents count down the last days of school as they wait for the opportunity to spend some extra time with their kids during the summer.  Some parents may also count down the days until school starts again.

Regardless of which group you fit into, most kids are home an extra 35 +/- hours a week during the summer.  That's a whole lot of extra time at home.

Although summer break is nearly half over, it's not to late to be intentional about spending quality and quantity time with your kids.  Obviously, not everyone has ample vacation days or funds to spend on their kids during the summer.  However, spending quality time with your kids doing simple activities will create special memories that will last a lifetime.

Parents don't have to clean out their bank accounts to make special memories with their kids.  There are so many activities that are free or cost very little.  Here are a few ideas:

:: Camp outside under the stars - even if it's in your backyard. 
:: Grab a fishing pole and head to a pond or lake.
:: What sport/activity does your child enjoy?  Do it with him/her.
:: Cook a meal together.
:: Have lunch or dinner at a local park or lake. 
:: Check out free local outdoor activities in your community. 
:: Been to the zoo lately? 
:: Go unplugged - play some board games, card games or "pictionary".
:: What kind of nature does your community offer?  Go for a hike, spend time at the lake, or do  
   some rock climbing or head out on the bike trails.
:: Teach them a new skill.  Do you know how to change a tire? Do laundry? Cook? Mow the
    lawn? Sew? Play an instrument? Paint a portrait? Fix something? Take quality photos?
:: Give back - serve at a local soup kitchen or lend a hand to some elderly neighbors.

Time is a priceless commodity.  When you invest it in your children, the returns are plentiful.

Is There a Bully in Your Home?

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Bullying.  Unfortunately, this term has become way too common in American schools and social media. Most of us have heard (or experienced) some of the horrible stories of just how serious bullying can be and the detrimental effects it can have on the lives of young people.  

A new report came out last week that said bullying among siblings was as harmful and destructive as bullying outside of the home (i.e. at school, etc.).

That is probably not much of a surprise, but what may be surprising is the level of bullying that occurs in many homes among siblings.

The biggest piece of advice that experts give is to have a NO TOLERANCE policy at home, as well.  Child and adolescent psychiatrist, of the Uniersity of Texas Medical Branch, Dr. Robin Mallett gives some tips on avoiding this problem at home:

• Establish values and rules: Bullying is not tolerated;
• Don’t exhibit aggressive behavior yourself, particularly when your children are around;
• Reward positive behavior and kindness between siblings;
• Acknowledge and praise individual traits of each child;
• Do not “play favorites” among your children;
• Take time to build the self-esteem of each child;
• Give your children time apart during conflicts to defuse situations.

Overall, parents should not write off bullying as harmless childhood behavior by having the attitude "kids will be kids".  Bullying, at home or at school, is a very serious issue that can leave long term emotional scars.  

Parents/guardians, what are some ways that you encourage cooperation, kindness and respect among the siblings in your home?

The Blame Game

The blame game. Pointing fingers. Blame shifting. We all know about it and we have probably all done it at one point or another. It happens from government offices, to large corporations, to school classrooms, to religious communities and at home. It is as old as time. 

Part of raising children into successful and mature adults, is by helping them to understand how to take responsibility for their actions and owning up to their decisions - good and bad.

On an episode of the Dr. Phil Show regarding bullying, Dr. Phil was talking to a teenage girl who had badly beaten up one of her friends and posted the video online. There were a lot more excuses than confessions on her part. Finally, there was a little remorse shown and she basically said that what's done is done and there was nothing she could do about it now. To which Dr. Phil replied, "you can't take it back, but you can own it".

So what can parents do to help teach children to take responsibility for their actions and own up to their choices?

Here are some tips that may be helpful in doing this:

::Watch out for phrases such as:

"It's not fair."

"It's not my fault."

"But....he/she did this or that so I did this or that."

"I didn't mean to."

::Consistency and follow-through when it comes 

  to discipline.

When you set rules for your children, there should be consequences if those rules are broken...every time! Each family has their own rules/guidelines and their own consequences. Even at an early age, kids will know if you are serious about following through or if you are just nagging and threatening.

::Teach (and exemplify) respect for authority 

  and boundaries.

Teach children that they will always be accountable to someone for their actions, even when they become an adult - teachers, professors, law enforcement, their boss, the government and so on. There was an occasion when an irate parent came in yelling at the administration for punishing her child for poor behavior (making bad choices). The parent left the building ranting at how no one was going to punish her child except her. What kind of message did that send to the child?!

::Emphasize and re-emphasize the power of 

  choice: the A+B=C theory.

Yes, it's true that there are things in life that are out of our control. However, let's be honest with ourselves and say that most things that happen to us and to others are the results of choices made.

When we bring a weapon to school, we will most likely be expelled.

When we speed, we are very likely to get a speeding ticket.

When we consume more than a moderate share of junk, we are very likely to have health problems and/or become overweight.

When we don't do our homework, we are very likely to fail the class.

When we don't show up for work, we are very likely to get fired.

When we spend money that we don't have, we are very likely to go into debt.

Very simple equations really: A + B = C

::Teach them that their choices (good and bad) 

  usually affect more than just themselves:

Very rarely, do our choices affect only ourselves. Mature thinking (and planning) looks beyond our own needs, wants and desires and thinks about how it will affect those around us. Learning this at an early age will save our children and those they love a lot of heartache.

"Trying to grow up hurts. You make mistakes. You try to learn from them, and when you don't, it hurts even more." 
~Aretha Franklin