Let's talk about sex!

So, maybe you won't bring it up like that and most likely, by now, you or someone else has had "the talk" or "a talk" with your teenager about sex. If not, they are sure to have been exposed to other conversations, images, opinions, advice, and even experimented in this area.  

March is National Talk to your Teen About Sex Month and we want to encourage you to keep the lines of communication open on this subject, even when it seems awkward because... 

"when parents talk to and affirm the value of their children, young people are more likely to develop positive, healthy attitudes about themselves. This is also true when the subject is sex. Research shows that positive communication between parents and their children can help young people establish individual values and make healthy decisions.

According to Barbara Huberman, RN, MEd, Director of Education and Outreach for Advocates for Youth, parents who act on the belief that young people have the right to accurate sexuality information are parents whose teens will delay the initiation of intimacy and use contraceptives when they choose to become sexually active."  source

Don't overwhelm yourself thinking it's a one time conversation and you only have one shot.  It's about using everyday teachable moments to relay  ongoing messages about safer and healthier choices to your teen.

There are so many facts available, and you don't have to have them memorized.  If your child asks a question and you don't know the answer, look it up and get back to him/her or look it up together.

Here are some topics to ponder when these opportunities arise: 

• healthy relationships
• STDs
• teen pregnancy and childbearing
• abstinence
• dating
• contraception

Some resources/books we recommend for these discussions include:

Questions Kids Ask About Sex; Honest answers for Every Age, printed by the Medical Institute for Sexual Health.

Restoring the Teenage Soul : Nurturing Sound Hearts and Minds

in a Confused Culture, by Dr. Margaret Meeker 

Your advice, open communication and listening ear in this subject area means a lot more to your teen that you may know.  

"Research confirms what young people already know - what their parents have to say matters to teens." source  

How Relationships are Like Bank Accounts

photo source

Did you know that relationships are like bank accounts?!  You have the ability to make both deposits and withdraws.  

Each time you speak words of encouragement or affirmation, you make a deposit.  Every time you belittle, correct or criticize you make a withdraw. 

When it comes to parenting, this is not to say that parents should never correct or discipline their kids.  The point is that in the same way you cannot make a withdraw from your bank account if there isn't a balance, you cannot continually make withdraws in relationships without first making deposits - at least without repercussions. 

There is a quote that goes something like this, "rules without relationship breed rebellion."  It has also been said that 90% of parental communication with their children is correction and the other 10% is relational.  If your entire relationship is built on setting rules and enforcing them, that doesn't create much of a two-way conversation.  

Often, teens (and young children) will begin to tune out the voice that only makes withdraws and few or no deposits and sometimes they even begin to shut down as their self-esteem gets depleted.

Here are some tips on how to cut back on the withdraws and increase the deposits:
  
:: Don't major on the minors and micromanage by 
    over correcting everything your child does. i.e   
    There are probably bigger issues to argue about 
    rather than their sense of style that you don't like.
:: Spend time talking, laughing, encouraging and 
    listening to your child.
:: Encourage them to do their best, not someone 
    else's best.
:: Look at the the spirit in which your  

    correction/discipline is done.  

:: Everyone has positive qualities and/or talents.  
    Look for those in your teen (child) and let them 
    know it.


Don't let your relationship with your teen/child get into the red by overdrawing their account with more withdrawals than deposits.  Decide today that you are going to fill up "their account". 

Are you speaking your childs' "language"?!

Have you ever felt like you were spinning your wheels for someone (possibly your children) only to have them question your love and/or commitment to them?! Perhaps you are just speaking a different "language"?! 

There is a popular book called The Five Love Languages that discusses the idea of learning to "speak" the love language of the people in your life.

The basis behind the theory of love languages is to help you discover your own love language and that of the people that you love in order to truly "speak" their language.  When you are able to effectively communicate your love and commitment to them, it can result in developing more fulfilling relationships.  

The author of this book describes the five areas in which most people feel loved:

1. Acts of Service

2. Words of Affirmation

3. Physical Touch

4. Quality Time

5. Gifts

An example may be that you are always expressing your love to your child by showering them with hugs and kisses, but they convey that they don't feel very special or loved because you don't spend much time with them.  It could be possible that your child's love language is not physical touch, but quality time.

This is not to say that you shouldn't express your love through hugs, kisses or snuggles, but that you can truly reach the core of that child's heart by spending uninterrupted time with them.

We hope that you will take time to discover not only your own love language, but also that of your child(ren), spouse and other special people in your life. 

The power of choice

Choices.  We all are faced with them and we all make them - daily. Big and small.  

What should I wear? Should I eat this or that? Should I date? Who should I date?  What should I major in?  Should I take that job?  Sometimes we make good choices, sometimes we make poor ones. 

Because the brain is not yet fully developed until the early 20's, children and teens typically tend to make decisions based on impulse, rather than forward thinking.  The "what's best for the moment?" approach, rather than "how will this effect my future?"  Parents, however, can help teach their children to be more thoughtful about their decisions and the outcomes.

P.A.T.H has an after school mentoring curriculum which contains a section entitled, The Five Parts of the Whole Person.  The diagram shown below is a great visual of how our decisions can affect many aspects of our lives.

Consider some of the important choices that kids are faced with such as dating/relationships, bullying, drugs, cheating and alcohol.  Take a moment to think about how each of these five circles (five areas of life) are affected by the choices kids make regarding these issues.

The Five Parts of the Whole Person visual:

How often have you heard people say something like, "I'm not hurting anyone, it's my own issue".  Our choices rarely (if ever) affect only ourselves nor do they typically only affect one part of our person.

Parents play a huge role in helping kids learn how to make positive decisions.  Good decision making skills do not come easily, but with help from parents, kids can learn to make decisions that will be beneficial to each aspect of their life: physically, mentally, spiritually, socially, and emotionally.

Here are a few additional questions parents can use to help their children to hink about when making decisions:

*What are the consequences of my decision - short term and long term?  
*What are the benefits?  
*Who is going to be affected by my decision?  
*How is this decision going to affect my future?
*Is this decision going to help me accomplish my goals?

Parents, how are your decision making skills affecting your children and family?