Privacy: How much is too much?

As kids grow older, they want their privacy respected.  Different families have different levels of privacy in their homes.

Some parents allow their kids/teens to have televisions and computers in their own rooms.  Other families wouldn't dream of that.  Some parents search rooms, check text messages and keep close tabs on where their teens are and who they are with.  Others allow more freedom. 

In a recent blog post that surfaced on the internet, a mother describes her experience when she took her teenage daughter to the doctor.  She came upon this sign:

                                                                           source   


You can read the rest of her blog post, but regardless this particular mother's reaction, the idea behind this sign would probably spark reactions in many parents. The idea that the tweens/teens have certain privacy rights that exclude the parents. 

Our goal in this post is to stir thought.  Socrates once said, "10 questions are better than 1 answer."  We want to know what parents are thinking regarding the level of privacy that teens deserve.


What are your thoughts on how much privacy a teen deserves or is entitled to, in general?

• Is it a parental "right" to be able check cell phone messages, data, internet history and nooks and crannies in the bedroom?

• Should medical professionals be able to meet with your child/teen without your presence?

• Should teens be required to meet with medical professionals privately, even if they don't want to?

• Should parents be excluded from participating in their childrens' business at school, at the doctor, or in social settings?

We want to spark conversations, not only in your own home, but possibly here.  We would love to hear your thoughts in the comment section below. 

No, actually, everyone is NOT doing it

When it comes to sex, many teens feel pressured because they think everyone's doing it. This is actually not the case. Statistics show that less than half of teens in high school have had sex (43% of boys and 42% of girls). 
(source: National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy)

Yes, it is true that sexual activity among teens, teen pregnancy and incidence of STI's and STD's has risen in recent years, but that doesn't mean that all young people are choosing to be sexually active. 

In fact, "there is a growing body of research that confirms that abstinence-centered education decreases sexual initiation, increases abstinent behavior among sexually experienced teens, and/or decreases the number of partners among sexually experienced teens".
(source: National Abstinence Education Association, Feb. 2010)

Parents often fear that the abstinence option sets teens up for failure in the area of sex. But the reality is you are not setting up your teen for failure.  Sexual abstinence is much more broad of a topic than just pregnancy or STD prevention. It's been said, "you can't put a condom on someone's heart." 

Abstinence education realizes that “having sex” can potentially affect not only the physical aspect of a teen's life but also, as research shows, can have emotional, psychological, social, economic, and educational consequences as well.  (source)

The Facts

• It is NOT unrealistic to think that teens can exert self-control.

• Not ALL teens are sexually active.

• Teens deserve more credit for their potential to make healthy choices

• Abstinence is the ONLY 100% protection against STD's and pregnancy.

• Parents influence teens and can empower teens to say NO.

• "Among teens that have had sex, 55% of boys and 72% of girls wish they had waited."  (source)

Helping Your Teen Develop a Healthy Body Image

In the digital age, our teens are constantly bombarded with messages that connect self-worth to body image.  Poor body image is a struggle for so many teens and can many times lead to dangerous thoughts, habits and behaviors.

As parents, there are many ways that we can help nurture a healthy body image in our kids and teens.  



Search deeper
Although it's important to affirm your teen's physical attractiveness, don't allow that to be the focus.  Genuinely compliment him/her in areas aside from physical attributes.  Praise their academic progress or success.  Compliment them on positive character traits that they exhibit - kindness, honesty, responsibility, generosity, compassion, etc. Point out their unique talents and abilities.


Replace lies with truth
"Like any life-controlling issue, a negative body image thrives on lies."  (Constance Rhodes).  Some of these lies include: we must look a certain way to be loved and looking "good" will bring happiness.  Help your teen recognize some of these lies that society conveys and combat them with the truth and healthy attitudes regarding this issue.  And, of course, affirm and communicate your unconditional love and acceptance!


Communicate
Talk AND listen to your teen.  Understand the way they feel about themselves by the way the talk about themselves.  Simple comments can reveal a lot about their self-esteem.  Also, be transparent with your teen about your own struggles and how you've overcome them or are working on them.  


Model a healthy body body image
This doesn't mean you have to have a flawless self-image or be free from struggle.  However, be vulnerable with your teen, but ban "fat talk" and discuss what you see and hear around you regarding body image.  Be sure to carefully monitor media influence.  So many types of magazines, TV shows and websites can contribute to poor body image.




*If your teen is dealing with dangerous body-image issues or eating disorders, they may need to talk with someone who can offer them professional help.  

Caught in the middle: childhood and adulthood

When are kids considered mature?  When are they ready to fully make their own decisions?  Does adulthood really begin at age 18 like much of Western society considers it to?!

This may all be relative.  It may depend on the family and on the child.  It is true that there are some 16 year olds that are more emotionally "mature" than some 18 year olds.

Regardless, this stage of development is the uncomfortable middle ground between childhood and adulthood that therapist Rebecca Dowden calls "individuation". 

As teens approach adulthood, (at whatever age that may be?!) they can sometimes feel caught between the world of making their own decisions and that of mom and/or dad "running the show".

One article, by Shona Neff, describes an example of a turning point situation when her son approached her about going on a road trip.  He proudly announced that he would be taking a trip, without thinking he didn't even have the finances to take care of the gas nor the plans laid out for a successful trip. Shona describes the situation as follows:

"My son's desire to be a carefree child while striking out on his own indicated that he didn't understand his stage of life. Although he felt like an adult, he wasn't one because the perks of adulthood carry responsibilities that he hadn't yet assumed."

The article goes on to say, "The teen years can be ambiguous for both parents and child, Dowden says. ""If the child is restricted too much or given too much freedom, his individuation can be negatively affected."" For children to develop a healthy view of adulthood, they can't be given too many adult perks without also shouldering adult responsibilities. If they are, their desire to step fully into adulthood can be stunted."

As parents. Our responsibility is to help our children in this maturing process.  Teaching them how to make informed and age appropriate decisions.  Allowing failure to occur in the process.

Ideally, if parents are effectively raising a maturing young person to make responsible decisions, as they age, responsibility should increase as authority decreases.


What parents can do to help in this process: 

• Allow kids to make age appropriate decisions.
• Help them decipher between childhood whims and adult responsibilities.
• Allow daily situations such as curfew, clothing and automobiles to serve as teachable moments and measures of trust.
• Allow kids to fail.  They need to see the benefits AND consequences of their decisions.
• Remember that adult perks shouldn't come without adult responsibility.

Be sure to check back here this week.  In keeping in tune with the holiday season, we will be having a giveaway that our Planned Potential for Parents readers are eligible for. 

Parenting: Don't try this alone!

                                                                    source

Whether there are two very hands on parents in the home, a single parent, blended family or a grandparent raising grandchildren, raising children was never meant for anyone to do alone.

The quote, it takes a village to raise a child, is definitely true when it comes to parenting.  Along with the many joys and precious memories that come with raising kids, even "healthy" families experience challenges, obstacles and seasons of difficulty.

The struggles in 2013 are very different than they were in 1913, but the positive side of parenting in modern times is that there are SO many resources available to parents and families.  Resources (at our fingertips) that are full of wisdom and advice from professionals, success stories of thriving families and "what not to dos".

In addition to P.A.T.H's interactive website, there are many other resources that are worth looking into:

::Podcasts

::Blogs (by or for parents - like this one : )

::Websites 

::Books, books, books (i.e. topics like: parenting, communication skills, 

    teens and sex, etc.) 

::Your place of faith 

::Family counseling

::Other parents (that have the similar parenting standards as your family)

::Mom groups (i.e. similar to M.O.P.S for mothers of younger children)

At a Positive Approach to Teen Health, we are committed to helping teens and young people to make informed and healthy choices for their futures.  In addition, we want to come along side of parents/guardians and keep them informed about issues, statistics and parenting strategies regarding young people today.  We want to be a voice of encouragement in this part of the journey of life called Parenting.

We hope that whatever your family situation may be, you have a strong support system around you.  If you are feeling alone in parenthood, maybe it's time to get pro-active and seek out your "village".

Parents/guardians, what are some of the ways you feel support in raising children?  We'd love to hear from you.