Caught in the middle: childhood and adulthood

When are kids considered mature?  When are they ready to fully make their own decisions?  Does adulthood really begin at age 18 like much of Western society considers it to?!

This may all be relative.  It may depend on the family and on the child.  It is true that there are some 16 year olds that are more emotionally "mature" than some 18 year olds.

Regardless, this stage of development is the uncomfortable middle ground between childhood and adulthood that therapist Rebecca Dowden calls "individuation". 

As teens approach adulthood, (at whatever age that may be?!) they can sometimes feel caught between the world of making their own decisions and that of mom and/or dad "running the show".

One article, by Shona Neff, describes an example of a turning point situation when her son approached her about going on a road trip.  He proudly announced that he would be taking a trip, without thinking he didn't even have the finances to take care of the gas nor the plans laid out for a successful trip. Shona describes the situation as follows:

"My son's desire to be a carefree child while striking out on his own indicated that he didn't understand his stage of life. Although he felt like an adult, he wasn't one because the perks of adulthood carry responsibilities that he hadn't yet assumed."

The article goes on to say, "The teen years can be ambiguous for both parents and child, Dowden says. ""If the child is restricted too much or given too much freedom, his individuation can be negatively affected."" For children to develop a healthy view of adulthood, they can't be given too many adult perks without also shouldering adult responsibilities. If they are, their desire to step fully into adulthood can be stunted."

As parents. Our responsibility is to help our children in this maturing process.  Teaching them how to make informed and age appropriate decisions.  Allowing failure to occur in the process.

Ideally, if parents are effectively raising a maturing young person to make responsible decisions, as they age, responsibility should increase as authority decreases.


What parents can do to help in this process: 

• Allow kids to make age appropriate decisions.
• Help them decipher between childhood whims and adult responsibilities.
• Allow daily situations such as curfew, clothing and automobiles to serve as teachable moments and measures of trust.
• Allow kids to fail.  They need to see the benefits AND consequences of their decisions.
• Remember that adult perks shouldn't come without adult responsibility.

Be sure to check back here this week.  In keeping in tune with the holiday season, we will be having a giveaway that our Planned Potential for Parents readers are eligible for.