The Blame Game

The blame game. Pointing fingers. Blame shifting. We all know about it and we have probably all done it at one point or another. It happens from government offices, to large corporations, to school classrooms, to religious communities and at home. It is as old as time. 

Part of raising children into successful and mature adults, is by helping them to understand how to take responsibility for their actions and owning up to their decisions - good and bad.

On an episode of the Dr. Phil Show regarding bullying, Dr. Phil was talking to a teenage girl who had badly beaten up one of her friends and posted the video online. There were a lot more excuses than confessions on her part. Finally, there was a little remorse shown and she basically said that what's done is done and there was nothing she could do about it now. To which Dr. Phil replied, "you can't take it back, but you can own it".

So what can parents do to help teach children to take responsibility for their actions and own up to their choices?

Here are some tips that may be helpful in doing this:

::Watch out for phrases such as:

"It's not fair."

"It's not my fault."

"But....he/she did this or that so I did this or that."

"I didn't mean to."

::Consistency and follow-through when it comes 

  to discipline.

When you set rules for your children, there should be consequences if those rules are broken...every time! Each family has their own rules/guidelines and their own consequences. Even at an early age, kids will know if you are serious about following through or if you are just nagging and threatening.

::Teach (and exemplify) respect for authority 

  and boundaries.

Teach children that they will always be accountable to someone for their actions, even when they become an adult - teachers, professors, law enforcement, their boss, the government and so on. There was an occasion when an irate parent came in yelling at the administration for punishing her child for poor behavior (making bad choices). The parent left the building ranting at how no one was going to punish her child except her. What kind of message did that send to the child?!

::Emphasize and re-emphasize the power of 

  choice: the A+B=C theory.

Yes, it's true that there are things in life that are out of our control. However, let's be honest with ourselves and say that most things that happen to us and to others are the results of choices made.

When we bring a weapon to school, we will most likely be expelled.

When we speed, we are very likely to get a speeding ticket.

When we consume more than a moderate share of junk, we are very likely to have health problems and/or become overweight.

When we don't do our homework, we are very likely to fail the class.

When we don't show up for work, we are very likely to get fired.

When we spend money that we don't have, we are very likely to go into debt.

Very simple equations really: A + B = C

::Teach them that their choices (good and bad) 

  usually affect more than just themselves:

Very rarely, do our choices affect only ourselves. Mature thinking (and planning) looks beyond our own needs, wants and desires and thinks about how it will affect those around us. Learning this at an early age will save our children and those they love a lot of heartache.

"Trying to grow up hurts. You make mistakes. You try to learn from them, and when you don't, it hurts even more." 
~Aretha Franklin