Is There a Bully in Your Home?

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Bullying.  Unfortunately, this term has become way too common in American schools and social media. Most of us have heard (or experienced) some of the horrible stories of just how serious bullying can be and the detrimental effects it can have on the lives of young people.  

A new report came out last week that said bullying among siblings was as harmful and destructive as bullying outside of the home (i.e. at school, etc.).

That is probably not much of a surprise, but what may be surprising is the level of bullying that occurs in many homes among siblings.

The biggest piece of advice that experts give is to have a NO TOLERANCE policy at home, as well.  Child and adolescent psychiatrist, of the Uniersity of Texas Medical Branch, Dr. Robin Mallett gives some tips on avoiding this problem at home:

• Establish values and rules: Bullying is not tolerated;
• Don’t exhibit aggressive behavior yourself, particularly when your children are around;
• Reward positive behavior and kindness between siblings;
• Acknowledge and praise individual traits of each child;
• Do not “play favorites” among your children;
• Take time to build the self-esteem of each child;
• Give your children time apart during conflicts to defuse situations.

Overall, parents should not write off bullying as harmless childhood behavior by having the attitude "kids will be kids".  Bullying, at home or at school, is a very serious issue that can leave long term emotional scars.  

Parents/guardians, what are some ways that you encourage cooperation, kindness and respect among the siblings in your home?

The Blame Game

The blame game. Pointing fingers. Blame shifting. We all know about it and we have probably all done it at one point or another. It happens from government offices, to large corporations, to school classrooms, to religious communities and at home. It is as old as time. 

Part of raising children into successful and mature adults, is by helping them to understand how to take responsibility for their actions and owning up to their decisions - good and bad.

On an episode of the Dr. Phil Show regarding bullying, Dr. Phil was talking to a teenage girl who had badly beaten up one of her friends and posted the video online. There were a lot more excuses than confessions on her part. Finally, there was a little remorse shown and she basically said that what's done is done and there was nothing she could do about it now. To which Dr. Phil replied, "you can't take it back, but you can own it".

So what can parents do to help teach children to take responsibility for their actions and own up to their choices?

Here are some tips that may be helpful in doing this:

::Watch out for phrases such as:

"It's not fair."

"It's not my fault."

"But....he/she did this or that so I did this or that."

"I didn't mean to."

::Consistency and follow-through when it comes 

  to discipline.

When you set rules for your children, there should be consequences if those rules are broken...every time! Each family has their own rules/guidelines and their own consequences. Even at an early age, kids will know if you are serious about following through or if you are just nagging and threatening.

::Teach (and exemplify) respect for authority 

  and boundaries.

Teach children that they will always be accountable to someone for their actions, even when they become an adult - teachers, professors, law enforcement, their boss, the government and so on. There was an occasion when an irate parent came in yelling at the administration for punishing her child for poor behavior (making bad choices). The parent left the building ranting at how no one was going to punish her child except her. What kind of message did that send to the child?!

::Emphasize and re-emphasize the power of 

  choice: the A+B=C theory.

Yes, it's true that there are things in life that are out of our control. However, let's be honest with ourselves and say that most things that happen to us and to others are the results of choices made.

When we bring a weapon to school, we will most likely be expelled.

When we speed, we are very likely to get a speeding ticket.

When we consume more than a moderate share of junk, we are very likely to have health problems and/or become overweight.

When we don't do our homework, we are very likely to fail the class.

When we don't show up for work, we are very likely to get fired.

When we spend money that we don't have, we are very likely to go into debt.

Very simple equations really: A + B = C

::Teach them that their choices (good and bad) 

  usually affect more than just themselves:

Very rarely, do our choices affect only ourselves. Mature thinking (and planning) looks beyond our own needs, wants and desires and thinks about how it will affect those around us. Learning this at an early age will save our children and those they love a lot of heartache.

"Trying to grow up hurts. You make mistakes. You try to learn from them, and when you don't, it hurts even more." 
~Aretha Franklin

Help P.A.T.H, Help Yourself and Help Local Teens!

Some of you are long time friends and/or supporters of P.A.T.H. either through your time, finances or talents.  For some of you, P.A.T.H is a fairly new concept.  

Regardless of your relationship with P.A.T.H, it is an organization that has reached thousands of tweens and teens over the years with a positive message.  A message that empowers young people to make healthy choices for their present and future.   

Although P.A.T.H has federal funding for many of it's programs, these funds are not allocated to cover the LIV.TRUE mentoring program.  Unfortunately, this program has been suspended due to a lack of funding. LIV.TRUE after school mentoring program is a vital program that reaches out to underprivileged children in neighborhoods throughout Northwest Indiana.  

Through the Neighborhood Assistance Program (NAP), tax deductible donations to P.A.T.H can help change the life of a teen, his/her family and ultimately an entire community forever.  Your donation can also benefit you by getting yourself a federal tax deduction as well as a 50% state tax credit for your donation.  

If you believe in P.A.T.H and the difference these programs are making, please consider a donation today and be a part of the difference P.A.T.H is making!

Click here for more information and to donate.  

How Relationships are Like Bank Accounts

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Did you know that relationships are like bank accounts?!  You have the ability to make both deposits and withdraws.  

Each time you speak words of encouragement or affirmation, you make a deposit.  Every time you belittle, correct or criticize you make a withdraw. 

When it comes to parenting, this is not to say that parents should never correct or discipline their kids.  The point is that in the same way you cannot make a withdraw from your bank account if there isn't a balance, you cannot continually make withdraws in relationships without first making deposits - at least without repercussions. 

There is a quote that goes something like this, "rules without relationship breed rebellion."  It has also been said that 90% of parental communication with their children is correction and the other 10% is relational.  If your entire relationship is built on setting rules and enforcing them, that doesn't create much of a two-way conversation.  

Often, teens (and young children) will begin to tune out the voice that only makes withdraws and few or no deposits and sometimes they even begin to shut down as their self-esteem gets depleted.

Here are some tips on how to cut back on the withdraws and increase the deposits:
  
:: Don't major on the minors and micromanage by 
    over correcting everything your child does. i.e   
    There are probably bigger issues to argue about 
    rather than their sense of style that you don't like.
:: Spend time talking, laughing, encouraging and 
    listening to your child.
:: Encourage them to do their best, not someone 
    else's best.
:: Look at the the spirit in which your  

    correction/discipline is done.  

:: Everyone has positive qualities and/or talents.  
    Look for those in your teen (child) and let them 
    know it.


Don't let your relationship with your teen/child get into the red by overdrawing their account with more withdrawals than deposits.  Decide today that you are going to fill up "their account". 

Risky Sex and Drinking

Maybe you find these statistics shocking or maybe you are not surprised.  Either way, they are reality.  

As quoted in another post, from an ABC news broadcast, Dr. Richard Besser stated, "I'm a parent of teenagers and I'm a pediatrician and one thing I know is far more teens are having sex than parents know or believe". 

So many teens are sexually active and many aren't even fully aware of the risks they are taking.  Even teens that would normally make healthy and thoughtful choices, can make risky decisions when their thought process is clouded under the influence of alcohol.  

Although you may not know all the recent statistics about teen sex, STDs, drinking, and teen pregnancies, etc. like our staff does and you may not have the high tech media presentations and powerful speaking abilities like our Health Educators...you are our students' parent(s)!  Unlike our staff, you get to spend more than one hour a day or week with your teens. Our desire at P.A.T.H. is to encourage parents to keep conversations going with your "tweens" and teens about these issues.  

It may feel awkward or you may feel like you are intruding, but it's worth stepping out of your comfort zone.  They need all of the encouragement they can get in making healthy choices for their present and future. Sometimes home may be the only place they will hear "not everyone is doing it."

When was the last time you talked with your teen about his/her choices regarding drinking or sex? 

  

Are you speaking your childs' "language"?!

Have you ever felt like you were spinning your wheels for someone (possibly your children) only to have them question your love and/or commitment to them?! Perhaps you are just speaking a different "language"?! 

There is a popular book called The Five Love Languages that discusses the idea of learning to "speak" the love language of the people in your life.

The basis behind the theory of love languages is to help you discover your own love language and that of the people that you love in order to truly "speak" their language.  When you are able to effectively communicate your love and commitment to them, it can result in developing more fulfilling relationships.  

The author of this book describes the five areas in which most people feel loved:

1. Acts of Service

2. Words of Affirmation

3. Physical Touch

4. Quality Time

5. Gifts

An example may be that you are always expressing your love to your child by showering them with hugs and kisses, but they convey that they don't feel very special or loved because you don't spend much time with them.  It could be possible that your child's love language is not physical touch, but quality time.

This is not to say that you shouldn't express your love through hugs, kisses or snuggles, but that you can truly reach the core of that child's heart by spending uninterrupted time with them.

We hope that you will take time to discover not only your own love language, but also that of your child(ren), spouse and other special people in your life. 

Parenting: Don't try this alone!

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Whether there are two very hands on parents in the home, a single parent, blended family or a grandparent raising grandchildren, raising children was never meant for anyone to do alone.

The quote, it takes a village to raise a child, is definitely true when it comes to parenting.  Along with the many joys and precious memories that come with raising kids, even "healthy" families experience challenges, obstacles and seasons of difficulty.

The struggles in 2013 are very different than they were in 1913, but the positive side of parenting in modern times is that there are SO many resources available to parents and families.  Resources (at our fingertips) that are full of wisdom and advice from professionals, success stories of thriving families and "what not to dos".

In addition to P.A.T.H's interactive website, there are many other resources that are worth looking into:

::Podcasts

::Blogs (by or for parents - like this one : )

::Websites 

::Books, books, books (i.e. topics like: parenting, communication skills, 

    teens and sex, etc.) 

::Your place of faith 

::Family counseling

::Other parents (that have the similar parenting standards as your family)

::Mom groups (i.e. similar to M.O.P.S for mothers of younger children)

At a Positive Approach to Teen Health, we are committed to helping teens and young people to make informed and healthy choices for their futures.  In addition, we want to come along side of parents/guardians and keep them informed about issues, statistics and parenting strategies regarding young people today.  We want to be a voice of encouragement in this part of the journey of life called Parenting.

We hope that whatever your family situation may be, you have a strong support system around you.  If you are feeling alone in parenthood, maybe it's time to get pro-active and seek out your "village".

Parents/guardians, what are some of the ways you feel support in raising children?  We'd love to hear from you.